Argue effectively: how parents can connect with teenagers when their perspectives differ.

The difficulties in the relationships between teenagers and their parents often stem from differences in life experiences, are exacerbated by contrasting worldviews, insufficient emotional closeness, and a lack of mutual understanding. How to improve communication, how to resolve communication issues, and how to prevent them – RBC-Ukraine discusses this with a psychologist.

"We are a generation that had nothing, and we raised a generation that has everything. Except for basic safety," says psychologist Oksana Pisareva from the charitable foundation "Voices of Children" about today's parents and their teenagers.

This is compounded by typical adolescent issues that do not disappear even during times of war. But how do we find common ground with teenagers when their outlook on life starts to diverge from that of their parents? Oksana Pisareva shared her insights with RBC-Ukraine. Below is her direct speech.

What Triggers Conflict Between Teenagers and Parents

Adolescence is a constant internal and external conflict with oneself and the world. It represents a turning point in life. The first to become involved are the most important people in a child's life – the parents. This conflict is natural and must occur; otherwise, it may accompany a person throughout their life and spill over into other relationships.

As a child enters their teenage years, they begin to understand that their parents are not "gods" but rather human beings with strengths and weaknesses. They start comparing their family to others, and that's when the conflict begins. For example, they may dislike their parents' rules or views but find the rules in their friends' homes more appealing because there is less supervision or more attention given.

Through this reality testing, the teenager develops their own worldview, which may differ from their parents'. The child learns to understand what they like, who they are, and what they want.

During this period, teenagers also stop believing in miracles: Santa Claus or St. Nicholas, and they come to understand who these figures really are. This is a loss because the world becomes less vibrant than before.

Psychologist from the charitable foundation "Voices of Children" Oksana Pisareva (photo provided by BF "Voices of Children")

Moreover, new generations always tend to have more progressive views. This has been noted by Shakespeare, and before him, by Aristotle and Socrates. This is also part of the separation process, where teenagers declare: "Everything in our house is wrong. The couch is in the wrong place, we eat incorrectly, and we speak improperly."

The new generation devalues the previous one and builds something of its own, often intertwining the traditions of their grandparents but not those of their parents.

Parents may sometimes fail to notice that the needs and views of their child have changed. At three years old, when a child protests, parents set boundaries, say "stop," and the child calms down. In adolescence, this may not work. For instance, parents may continue to perceive expressions of autonomy as whims, or they may reprimand the child in situations where the teenager is trying to assert their independence.

When during this period parents start saying things like "you are lazy because you don't clean your room," "you are dumb because you perform poorly in school," or "you are shameless because you don't help," they are essentially assigning these roles to the child. Sometimes, out of protest, teenagers begin to play these roles.

Generational Conflict

If just 15 years ago, children wanted to grow up faster and become someone, today, that is not the case. We often notice a fear of adulthood among teenagers. Compared to our calmer childhood, they face immense informational pressure regarding success and the advice on how to achieve it.

And it's tough for them. They see how complicated adult life is. They observe parents working 12-hour days, without weekends, rarely going on vacations, getting sick for a day and a half, and simultaneously working online from home.

They pose painful questions to their parents: you studied, earned diplomas, so why aren't you working in your field? Why should I listen to a teacher who earns five times less than my sister, who is a waitress? And what about the bloggers who stream and earn millions?

Ideological Conflict

Worldview or religious conflicts are conflicts of freedom and belonging. They usually create a significant distance between children and their parents.

A teenager is often placed in a position where they must choose: adhere to a faith that does not resonate with them, reject their family and system, or choose to belong to the family and betray themselves. This is a challenging choice for an emotionally unstable child, and it may lead them into an environment that poses a threat.

If an ideological conflict arises, the only advice is to grant each other the right to believe in what each one believes. Yet, at the same time, agree that despite everything, we are a family, and there are things that bind us together.

Basic trust in the family relies partly on the fact that both the child and the parents are allowed to think differently, and this right is legitimized within the family. And even so, the family remains together, not pushing each other away and not trying to change one another.

The new generation devalues the previous one and builds something of its own, often intertwining the traditions of their grandparents but not those of their parents (photo provided by BF "Voices of Children")

If Teenagers Are Ashamed of Their Parents' Views

Shame is a fundamental experience for teenagers. They may feel it if, for example, everyone in their class celebrates Christmas on December 25, while in their family, it is celebrated on January 7. Or if their dad still listens to "Chanson" in the car.

If parents are pro-Russian and the child is pro-Ukrainian, it becomes much more complicated for them. Parents place the child in a difficult position: to belong to the family or to assert their "self." Thus, we leave the teenager alone with their conflict.

However, when the family legitimizes the right to have an independent opinion, the teenager will understand that this is their father's choice, and the child is not responsible for it. The child listens to what they want, both Ukrainian and foreign artists, yet respects and loves their father because family is their support, and no one can shake that support.

If Parents Are Ashamed of or Do Not Perceive Their Teenagers

Currently, there is a trend among teenagers to refuse to identify with any gender. This is partly due to the fear of growing up.

Such behavior challenges parents, and they must respond. This generates conflict. Parents often feel scared because it is something unfamiliar to them. But this is part of the maturation process for this generation; it is how they express themselves.

Parents must understand that it is possible to have conflicts and stand firm in their positions. A mother should express her opinion, saying, for example: "I don't particularly like this, it scares me, but I still love you." Be honest with the child about the difficulty in accepting their stance, but make it clear that you hear them and acknowledge their right to differ from you.

If a Child Consumes Russian Content

Typically, teenagers continue to consume Russian cultural products because they do not yet fully understand the cause-and-effect relationship. Adults can see the bigger picture and analyze. Children may not grasp why such actions are unacceptable. Often, the problem arises from a lack of communication with their parents.

Parents frequently assume that their teenager is mature enough to understand. However, analytical thinking is not fully developed until around the age of 18.

If trust is lost in the family, a teenager may watch Russian content just to spite their parents. The more pressure we apply, the more they will rebel to assert their autonomy. Especially when there is a shift in family dynamics: parents suddenly prohibit watching or listening to Russian content without any explanations. And everything forbidden becomes very appealing, especially during adolescence.

Has the child watched a Russian series? Ask them why. Do they like the characters, or can't they find something else? Ask yourself: what can I offer instead?

The child needs a hero who resonates with them and their background. Whether we like it or not, we emerged from a mixed environment where there was a strong fusion with Russian culture. This cannot be changed quickly or easily. Moreover, we have very few Ukrainian-language teenage series with Ukrainian tracks.

For younger children, there is more content available, and they watch it. But for teenagers, there is not. Even in terms of books. If you go to a bookstore and try to find a book for teenagers, unless it’s manga, it’s a quest.

How to "Survive" in Conflict with a Teenager

If a child starts to protest, discuss it. Ask what is bothering them, offer to sort